“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from
wanting to control it”
Intro:
This blog
is something I have wanted to start for a long time but have never felt
confident enough to share with other people. So please be kind! If you don’t
want to read it, you don’t have to, but if you have ever struggled with anxiety,
if you ever feel alone or scared I think this might just help. I want this blog
to serve as a place for me to share the things I am feeling, things that I
think many of us can relate to and a place for you to feel accepted and
understood. I am not claiming to be an expert, just a sufferer trying to make a
change. So before I get started I just want to say: I see you, you are doing
amazing at this life this and I am so proud of every one of you for being who
you are unequivocally!
About Me:
I am a 23-year-old
receptionist at a Sydney North Shore tutoring company and have been for the
last 3 years. I have a Diploma of Science and a Bachelor of Communication. I am
currently half way through my studies toward a Master of Creative writing and
hope to complete a Doctor of Creative Arts in the future. I struggle beyond
anything else with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and OCD but this is not what
defines me. Here are a few sentences I would prefer use to define me:
-
I
have a great group of friends and an incredibly close knit family that I love and
cherish more than anything in the world.
-
I
am an animal lover and advocate for animal rights (yes, all animals not just
the cute and fluffy ones).
-
I
listen to music like it’s my religion.
-
I
have struggled with my own actual religious beliefs for along time and I
continue to struggle with this today.
-
I
grew up dancing and still dance around the house almost constantly.
-
I
believe passionately that all human beings no matter their age, sex, gender,
sexuality or race should have the same right to live their lives openly and
freely the way they see fit.
-
I
have a ridiculous fear of flying, but don’t let it get in the way of my desire
to see the world.
-
I
was raised on musical theatre and still find any excuse to see a good
production with my Mum.
-
I
am a massive control freak!
-
I
believe in the right for press freedom, the need for the truth to be reported
at all costs and the protection of whistle-blowers.
-
I
am scared for the future of our earth in the face of climate change, habitat
destruction and pollution.
-
I
watch television shows to escape reality and “ship” characters together because
it’s easier than focusing on my own relationships (or lack there of).
-
I
have not been in a relationship for over 2 years and despite what everyone
seems to think, I am so much happier that way.
-
I
have 2 dogs named Ollie and Jenna and they are magnificent beasts.
-
I
listen to philosophy podcasts for fun, and try to be the best possible version
of myself as according to their principles.
-
I
read literally anything from trashy teen fiction novels to autobiographies of
some of the greatest minds of this lifetime.
-
I
am simultaneously working on writing 3 different books.
-
I
eat way too much junk food and regret it for days afterward (while continuing
to eat junk food).
-
I
love to immerse myself in nature in any way I can.
-
I
have 2 plants named Karen and Glen and they are immaculate.
-
There
is nothing I love and value more than honesty, loyalty and compassion.
My struggle with anxiety:
Did you
know that one in thirteen people world-wide suffer with an Anxiety disorder of
some form? (https://www.futurity.org/globally-1-in-13-suffers-from-anxiety/). Anxiety, put simply, is worrying with no real reason to be worrying.
Or, worrying about things that you have no control over. My own anxieties,
though there are too many to name, centre around the obsessive need to control
the future. About a year ago, I was “diagnosed” Thanatophobia or a fear of
death. A fear that gets the same response no matter who it is mentioned to: “Everyone
is afraid of death”. While I know this to be true, I struggle to believe that
most people lay awake at night imaging the phone call that tells you your
mother has passed away or spend hours locking doors to make it impossible for
the dog to escape onto the busy road outside.
It is
difficult dealing with an anxiety that most people have because no one understands
quite how bad it is. You are told to forget, to not think about it because we
don’t have control over it, but it is not that simple. Further to my fears
surrounding the mortality of the people I love, comes a fear of my own mortality.
I have a strong suspicion that this fear has stemmed from quite a few years of
back and forth doctors and specialists visits to deal with a metric tonne of
autoimmune disorders and deficiencies including Coeliac’s Disease, Anaemia and
Endometriosis. Basically, any symptom unravels my perfectly ignorant mind to a
state of pure panic. It goes from, “my head is a bit sore today with the same
sinus pain I have had most days since I was 17” to “my brain is bleeding and I
will not make it through the night” in the span of about 20 minutes. This of
course leads to doctors visits, medical bills, testing and a constant need to
ensure that I am as healthy as I can be given the circumstances.
A new way to combat anxiety:
For as long
as I can remember, I have channeled my anxiety into my writing. I was able to
create characters that reflect the way I felt on any given day and I put my
worries into them. This is still something I do, almost daily, but of late, it
has become less effective in its goals. Nearing the end of last week, I reached
what I would consider to be one of my worst points in my battle with anxiety. I
have always had the compulsive need to say: “I love you” to every person in the
house before leaving or going to bed just in case I didn’t get the chance to
say it again, but something was different last week. As I neared the end of the
night I dreaded going to sleep, I dreaded saying goodnight knowing that it
could well be the last time I was going to say it. This led to late nights and
the fear of going to sleep to avoid the wake-up call that I convinced myself
would inevitably come. I don’t know what was different about last week. My Mum
had a bit of unusual pain that she refused to get checked out, but her flippancy
over her own health is certainly nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was
just the amount of time since my last psychologist visit but something was
definitely not right. So, on Tuesday afternoon, in an uncharacteristically quite
moment at work, I made a choice. I opened the google chrome tab on the work
computer and searched “ways to feel better”.
If I am
being honest, that google search didn’t help much. There was a lot of links to self-help
websites and articles about essential oils, all of which I have tried a million
times before. So, instead of choosing a different combination of pretty flowers
or plants for my bed side table, I opened my notes section of my phone and made
a list of things that I should be doing every day and that, in most given days,
I did not do. The list is as follows:
-
Make
bed
-
Morning
skin care routine
-
Exercise
-
Drink
smoothie with turmeric
-
Eat
Healthy
-
Take
supplements
-
Keep
room clean
-
Water
plants
-
Do
saline nasal flush (gross I know)
-
Night
time skin care routine
3 days on
from making, and sticking to, this list and I feel the best I have felt in a
long time. My skin is brighter, I can breathe through my nose and when I enter
my bedroom I don’t grunt at the sight of dirty clothes all over the floor. Don’t
get me wrong my anxiety has not magically gone away, nor do I think it ever
will but there is a sort of freedom in channeling all that energy into
something other than what is worrying me. I don’t know if this is the best
coping mechanism, only time will tell that. I don’t know if all I am actually
doing is pushing the problems down and distracting myself with other things,
but for now, and even if only for a few moments, it doesn’t all seem that bad.
Aimee :) <3
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